Yes I deleted my account for almost a month. I removed it because I found I was relying on it to convey my emotions to my girlfriend when I should have been confronting her in person rather then hiding my thoughts and fears here. So why have I reactivated it? Well I find that since I removed it I have less of an outlet to constructively allow myself to sort my thoughts. I live a rather stressful life and that has not stopped after deleting the account. This journal does have itapos;s uses but this time around I shall use it properly, and convey what should be said to people in person and use this purely as a way to sort my thoughts and provide a way for me to look back and remember my past, but not a crutch as I have in the past. I have removed most of my friends on here. This is not to be insulting but I feel this is my life and Iapos;m the one that has to make the decisions in it, not those over the internet I have ever met. No offense, I just wish to be held accountable and responsible for my own life.
Now for the updates on things.
Myself and Shyanne broke up for close to two weeks. Those two weeks were insanely hard for me, but I believe I learned a lot. I was the one to initiate the two weeks. For the first time in my life I stood up for myself. Myself and Shyanne argued but we over came and even though this is going to possibly aggravate some people, we have reconciled and are once again together. I have noticed a great change in Shyanne over all. She really needed that time to clear her mind and see things for what they were and that I was serious. I refuse to be door matted and I believe she understands this full well. I have my reasons for believing that, as Iapos;m certain weapos;ve shown each other we mean business, how we did that shall remain between the two of us as the internet is not the place for such intimate details.
Things havenapos;t been perfect mind you but there has been a significant improvement I believe. She no longer gives off the air that shes withdrawing and holding back, she seems to have found a new confidence, she is a lot more affectionate and open with her feelings and desires and I find this a god send. I really love her, for all her flaws and all her perks but it does not mean I shouldnapos;t respect myself as well. Anyway I donapos;t want to make things sound horrible because they really arenapos;t. She and I have had a fair amount of fun, from trampolines, costume parties and ATVapos;s to fun at the movies with lots of laughs in the past couple weeks.
As far as school goes, itapos;s all paid off now and I thought I had finished, but came to find out they had 6 or 7 more courses for me to take. Iapos;ve flown through most of them and I think Iapos;m on the last two now. Iapos;ve got my fingers crossed hoping there wont be anymore surprises and I can finally graduate
Sadly I was laid off last week as the Country Style location I worked at was forced to close itapos;s doors as it was losing 10 grand monthly. This couldnapos;t happen at a worse time, the day prior to my surprise lay off I had put money down on an expensive Marshall JCM DSL 50watt tube amp head I had been saving up for months to have enough to put down a decent deposit. I have until December to make another payment, I still owe $380. Iapos;ve been playing hell trying to find other employment ATM as everyone is only highering for Xmas and part time.
I paid an early trip (5 am early) to Collingwood for my mothers knee surgery. I took a walk down the main road and passed my old school whilst mom was in surgery. I needed to keep moving as I had not slept at all and was beginning to feel ill from the sleep deprivation and lack of solid food.
It was weird to see Admiral Collingwood school replaced by a hole in the ground. The movie theater had closed down, the old Canadian tire is now a Sobeyapos;s grocery store and what used to be rocky beaches is now subdivision housing.
I happened to run across an old entry from live journal from last year, where in Jess had replied and wished me luck in my schooling and that she was happy I was finally doing things with myself and my life. At the time things were seemingly finally falling in to place for me, they still are mind you just...very slowly. I read that entry today and admittedly it put a smile on my face. After all the harsh words and fighting and arguing, she had actually called me a friend. Putting myself in her shoes I know that must have been really hard. We still donapos;t talk these days and thereapos;s still a lot of anger there. But I must admit I admire her for being able to do that. Iapos;ve heard through the grape vine that she is no longer with Bryan, admittedly that surprises me and I donapos;t know the details, it really isnapos;t any of my business, Iapos;ve just heard she broke it off with him. Iapos;m sure someone is expecting me to take advantage of the opportunity and say something dick headed and cruel but really thatapos;d be pretty stupid and childish. I feel the right thing to do is call it for what it is. Iapos;m certain she left him for good reasons, and she is a very smart woman. I wish her all the best of luck in her future, Iapos;m certain she will go far.
To be honest I think it shows good character in a person if even though theyapos;ve had a bad past with someone they can still be mature enough to wish them luck and happiness and praise their good qualities. There is just too much negative bullshit in this world, why stir up more needlessly?
Anyway, I suppose Iapos;m falling on to the old habit of rambling again. So I suppose Iapos;ll call it a night.
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